I spend all day on the internet.
I was moaning with a friend yesterday at lunch about the COUNTLESS posts on your budget and being thrifty. Everything from the Latte Factor to How Stupid Is the Latte Factor? and I’ve Got David Bach’s Latte Factor Right Here.
Yawn.
I was thinking this morning that I’m searching for something new. Something meaningful. Something that helps me walk the straight and narrow financial path.
What would this post look like?
I think it’d be a little negative. It would be a post about all the quick roads to frugal you SHOULDN’T pursue. People are often motivated by fear, it’s said.
This post would help people avoid some of the big problems out there.
Folks from all parts would line up for this type of post, I’d think.
I couldn’t find it, so I created it.
Welcome to:
7 Financial Hacks to Avoid….the list.
1) Underwear is expensive. Why buy it? Nobody can see the stuff anyway, unless you want them to (and in that case it’s going to end up wadded up on the floor pretty soon). Get rid of underwear. You’ll feel more free and casual all day. A four pack of Haines tidy whitees costs $15.50. Imagine how many smokes that’ll buy.
2) McDonalds dumpster dive. McDonalds throws away food that’s still incredibly edible. Why not sit in your Ford Pinto and wait for the trash to go out? When I worked at McD’s back in the day, the food they threw out was all still wrapped up. You could get a McDouble, take it home and microwave it…and it’s almost good as new!
3) Disconnect your internet. Everyone complains about cable and how expensive it is. What about internet access? Uggg. That’s a bundle. Are you really making any money on that blog anyway? Let’s be realistic. You’d save time AND money by just pulling the plug right now. …money you could be spending on your cable bill and time you could have been doing something useful instead of reading this post. Double threat.
Very happy. Know why? No underwear.
4) Sell your bicycle and weight set. Who needs gym equipment and a bike when you’ve got only so much time in a day? If you weren’t worried so much about how you look, you’d finally be able to get in all that extra overtime your boss wants from you. Plus, imagine the sick days you’ll get off when you’re feeling lousy? Time Off + Daytime Television = Heaven.
5) Do you have kids? What have they done for you lately? Forget allowances: Let’s talk quotas. Bring $30/week to Papa Joe or I’m sendin’ you packin’. Give them clear warning and direction, though. You don’t want to seem heartless.
6) Shampoo? Soap? Dish soap is nearly the same and is far less expensive per fluid ounce. Use dish soap for all of your personal health needs. You’ll have a lemon-fresh scent and will never have to worry about dishwater hands with Palmolive. And, if you don’t care about how your hands look, just go unbranded. Ubersavings!
7) Finally, I know that food is expensive and my second tip above might be impractical, so here’s another: Why not find creative ways to invite yourself over to dinner at someone else’s house? Offer to bring a few hamburgers with you if you think you can pull off tip #2 in a combo deal. If not, offer to bring drinks and fill a pitcher with ice cold water. They’ll thank you with their health later, no matter what they say today.
See? I think that’s a marvelous list, don’t you? No lattes or practical “how to’s.”
This list in itself is a huge timesaver.
In fact, another hack would be: forget about writing lists. You don’t follow them anyway.
I feel compelled to follow absolutely nothing that’s written above and don’t feel bad if you don’t either. I don’t have time for that nonsense….or rather lack of nonsense.
What tips have I forgotten? Let’s add a few in the comments. Ready? Go!
You’re way too funny. I think I might go diving in McD’s dumpster later this afternoon.
Hard to find a veggie burger in the McD’s bin, Jason. Just sayin’ the vegetarian thing might have to go.
You missed: stand around Starbucks during a busy time, and just be faster grabbing the drink than the person who actually paid for it! You don’t get to pick, but it’s free, so don’t complain.
It’s funny….I actually did that before. They called out my name and I picked up the drink. As I’m walking out the door I hear my name called again and don’t think anything about it when the lady doesn’t look at me. So, I get in my car and taste my drink. …I mean someone else’s drink. I apparently was the “other” Joe.
Too funny! I have a friend that goes commando all the time. It’s like a lifestyle choice or something. And I really do use dish soap a lot to wash my hands. Is it weird that I do something on this totally nonsensical list? You’re right, though, I read lists all the time and think…those are great ideas! And then never, ever use them.
I like the tip about soap, but like underwear, is there really a use for any cleaning products? I think this is another financial hack. Instead of spending money and time on cleaning products, we should all boycott soap. We’ll get used to dirt, dust and grime eventually, right?
AJ, what about magazines and newspapers. Dumpster dive at offices like mine and the dentist. You can then read 2 year old magazines, FOR FREE!
thanks for writing this valuable tip filled post. I’m glad to see you’re not wasting your time while your wife slaves away!
Joe, Joe, Joe… but I LOVE lists. I don’t care if I stick to them or not, the mere act of writing a list with bullet points makes me FEEL productive hahaha! Loved this post though. Dishwasher soap is awesome – I use it to wash my car. I’m not sure if that’s good for the paint, but it works for me.
Car, arm pits, bathroom, deck. One product, so many uses.
#2 tip won’t work for me AJ. This is the first time I lament being a vegetarian. 🙁
Just rescue the french fries, Shilpan. They’re pre-seasoned by the trash bin….
Such awesomeness! Apparently, Mc D food doesn’t breakdown due to so many preservatives, so it should be o.k. I have a teenager who has an aversion to soap, so it lasts a long time in his bathroom, which saves me money. Seriously though, such a nice change from all the frugality posts saturating the blogosphere!
Monica, my teenagers went through that stage, too. Unfortunately, I had to spend the extra money we saved on soap on air freshener…. 😉
I get sick of tips on saving money on groceries. If you want to save money on your groceries….EAT LESS. lol loved your creative list!
I think you’ve found the ultimate frugal tip, Katie: stop eating. Zero grocery bill equals huge savings. Whatever you were THINKING about eating I’m sure they’re about to discover causes some bad disease anyway. Avoid disease, lose weight and save money. What could be better?
Why stop with kids. I’ve got dog that’s just been sitting around the house all day. That animal definitely has been wasting time all day long as evidence by the over exuberant greeting I get when I walk in from my 9 to 5.
You’re on to something, JP. When my cat isn’t sleeping, he’s yawning and licking himself. Get a frickin’ job, lazy loser.
At what age are we talking about with kids? I have an 18 month old just eating my food and using up all my air conditioning
Very funny as usual!! I can particularly relate to this one: Why not find creative ways to invite yourself over to dinner at someone else’s house? My husband’s family finds creative ways to invite themselves to stay at our house for a week at a time so that they can go on a vacation without having to pay for a hotel.
You would think they come to visit because he’s family, but no, it’s because they won’t spend money on anything.
By the way, Sicorra, I meant to ask you….
Stretch that dollar by oversleeping: less likely to spend money but making it is another story.
Making money is overrated. If you have to make money, just join sleep studies! Paid + sleep = genius.
When I was practicing we’d say that if we had no clients our workload would be SO much easier….
The ultimate frugal hack: stop eating…hilarious. Why has nobody suggested this before? Should be top of any future frugal living lists, or maybe the underwear one still, struggling to decide while I cry with laughter.