I called my mother in law to check in yesterday.
I get worried about people after a loved one dies, but especially I’m concerned about her, right now. My in-laws were a close couple. She’d always yell, “Dave!” at him for one reason or another, but there was a camaraderie in her admonishments.
She enjoyed admonishing him and I could have swore he enjoyed being admonished.
There’s no way I can imagine what’s going on in someone’s head the day after their spouse passes away. It’s beyond imagination.
Still, my call to her was shocking.
I was surprised to find that she’d already called her financial advisor about moving money around and scheduled a meeting with the Medicare people about Papa Dave’s hospital bills.
Wow.
A piece of this I understand:
– The need to keep moving.
– The desire to run.
– The longing to make things feel better and to grab control.
I understand that, and it makes me want to give my mother-in-law a big fat hug today. All the running in the world won’t make the pain go away. There isn’t a hug big enough to swallow all those years of being together.
That’s why it’s a difficult pill to swallow when I tell you what I told her: Be still. Wait.
When any major life event occurs, the worst decision is to change your financial picture.
My best advice? Do nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada.
Too many times I’ve had clients come in after a spouse passes away and they want to make changes. Not little changes, mind you, but major, life changing moves. Let’s guarantee my money won’t run out. I want to take a trip around the world. It’s time to sell the house and move closer to my kids.
These are all valid thoughts, but not for today. Today’s a time to work on other areas.
– Go for a walk.
– Sign up for cooking classes.
– Learn a new language.
– Dive into a hobby.
All of these are positive life experiences that you can bow out of later without major repercussions. If you decide to sell your house and move, what if you don’t like the new place? If you change investments and the market tumbles, how will you respond?
Too many times I’ve witnessed people who’ve made life changing decisions without a clear head, only to regret all the moves later.
Often this regret, coupled with the sorrow of the original loss, is crippling.
How long do you wait?
I don’t know. 16 years of advising people who watched spouses, parents and children die still wasn’t enough for me to help you there. I can say this: Everyone was different. I will tell you that both my client and I knew when it was time to start moving. I’m sure you’ll know, too.
So, maybe Tom Petty was talking about a completely different topic, but he’s still right: The Waiting is the Hardest Part, but it’s the most important. Wait.
So sorry about your loss, Joe. I know what you mean about enjoying being admonished – I think I enjoy it from my wife too.
Just wanted you to know that you are on my mind.
Thanks, John. I appreciate your kind thoughts…as well as those of others who’ve left great condolences that I’ve forgotten to thank.
So sorry for your loss and your MIL’s loss. It’s terrible to lose anyone, but losing a spouse of so many years must be terrible. Great advice to wait on major life decisions — my mother waited after my stepfather’s passing. Now, eight years later, she is absolutely sure of how she wants to restructure her life. I’m very glad for her self-assuredness and life-assuredness. The best to your MIL in her wait and recovery.
Thanks, Christa! Isn’t it interesting that both you and she know now that it’s the right time? I don’t know what it is, but you always know….
:/ Sorry to hear that it happened so quickly! You’ll certainly be in my prayers throughout the day!
It’s tough to see a spouse of a loved-one pass after years of marriage. My grandpa passed away nearly 6 years ago and my grandma still talks about him constantly.
Thanks again, Jason. I don’t know how she’s going to get through it.
It WAS fairly quick, although he had Parkinsons disease. More than you wanted to know = he was walking the dog and fell straight backward and hit his head. He had a huge rupture in the front and back of his brain from it. They think he may have had a stroke which caused the fall, although his inability to bend at the knees ws from the Parkinsons. The good news is that he was in a coma-like state for most of the time after the fall and was kept comfortable with drugs, so hopefully he didn’t have much pain.
Hey AJ, I know you know we’ve been thinking about you guys.
My brother, CPA,… (and some of those other initials you planners have) has always said his clients who lose their husband almost always go out and buy a big new car. It’s like they have to do something to take control. If the estate is big enough, that’s not a big deal, if it’s a small estate that can be a problem….
Good advice and I hope she listens, though Son-in-laws are frequently pretty low on the totem pole of valued advisers…
Thanks, Dr. Dean. I’m definitely down the totem pole, but I think she listened. Although I’m not officially their advisor anymore, they now use the guy that took over my practice…so I’m hoping she stays patient and that he’ll encourage her to be patient.
So sorry to hear about your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Remember to give yourself time to heal and don’t rush things. Anyone with any decency will allow this.
It’s the urge to do something, anything, that lets you focus on something other than the pain.
I agree that major decisions should wait. Even paying hospital bills should wait.
There are some things that should wait, though, like arrangements for the body (we didn’t move fast enough, so the SNF sent the body to one facility, and then we had to pay moving and storage costs to get it to the cremation service we wanted to use). In addition to not having to search for the body (which we did), this also allows the funeral director to contact Social Security. Because they will take money back if they make a payment after death.
We also had to contact disability companies.
What waited longer? Starting probate, contacting life insurance companies, figuring out what to do with all of her stuff. We made some decisions while cleaning out her apartment, but if C wasn’t sure, it came home. We can store it, we can get rid of it- whatever he wants to do, whenever he’s ready to do it.
But for me, I hate the waiting. I want to get it all done, just so that there is one less thing on my to do list. But I also know I cried the day I made the last payment on one of our dog’s vet bills, a full year after we’d lost him. It was almost like losing him again.
The pain doesn’t end because the to do list does, so waiting isn’t going to hurt anyone, and it usually even helps.
some things that should NOT wait…
I blame dogs for hitting my hands with their heads while I’m trying to type
I have to type about half of my pieces with Cooper (our cat) in my lap, so I feel your pain.
Great list of things that “should get done.” I’d place FIND THE BODY at the A1 level, priority-wise. I don’t know if you intended for that to read as funny, but it was.
Because we knew that Papa Dave was on his way for about a week, everything with regards to the body were taken care of before he died. I felt a little creepy talking about it while the guy was still breathing, but I’m glad it was all taken care of smoothly.
Sounds funny, I totally agree. Some day we may even find it funny. Not so funny when you’re going through it, though.
We were told she’d be taken to the medical examiner’s office/morgue. When we called to make arrangements to have her picked up we were told “oh no, she died of “natural” causes and no one was requesting an autopsy, so we don’t take those bodies”
So then we had to call the facility and find out where she’d really been taken.
Then it turned out we didn’t need to have done that because the service we were using was awesome and had already tracked everything down and arranged for the other home to bill them (instead of us), meaning they got a professional discount, and they billed us only what they paid, so saved us about $1,000.
Hi Joe,
I stopped by to check on your status since last week, and I’m sorry to read of Papa Dave’s passing. Although it’s an incredibly sad time, I’m sure your wife appreciates the love you had for your father-in-law and the love and concern you have for your mother-in-law. I wish all of you peace and healing.
Thank you, Monica. I’m glad you stopped by. By the way, I love Rich’s latest post on your blog (the one you’ve linked to here). Good advice.